Last night I looked up to the moon and said 'Dad, look after Mum please'. I am not kidding, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, a heart shape appeared around the moon, it lasted less than a second, but long enough for me to see. #WolfMoon thank you Dad.
I have turned to all sorts of FaceBook posts for comfort and find strength in many inspirational words, quotes or phrases, often re posting them for others to see. One dear friend said 'we are worried about you and the stuff you are posting, find your happy'. I agree with her, though sometimes I have to work really hard to find my happy. At least the funny cat videos keep me going.
My cousin said to me very recently "You always seem so matter of fact and brave". That is my way of coping. Whilst I can be practical and do 'stuff' to help Mum then I am fine, as soon as someone asks me how I am doing, I'm in bits. So much so I say 'don't be nice to me'. I am ok if I can keep it together. I guess I am scared of really letting go and allowing the tears to truly flow, in case I can't stop them once I start. Anyways, I don't look good if I cry, I end up with a snotty nose all day and my eyes look like pee holes in the snow.
In truth we all find ways of coping. Our own individual, unique ways to help us 'keep it together'. I am a very private person, so to write this journal and to share it, takes a great deal for me. However I have found it strangely cathartic. Yes, I may shed a few tears whilst writing it, but they are only a few and I can control it. It is a way for me to try and process what has and is going on.
I won't write the journal every day, week or month, just at the moment I have a lot to process.
I am a Reiki Master Teacher and I am trying to follow a spiritual path, though at the moment even that is being challenged. I know that I need to look after myself, otherwise I cannot look after or support anyone else. Though knowing it and doing it are two very different things. I am not eating properly and I am watching crap tv into the early hours, because my head is too busy to switch off. I convince myself that at least I'm in bed relaxing. When I wake in the mornings, I know that I have been clenching and grinding my teeth during the night, its a miracle I have any back teeth left. Then I feel permanently tired during the day, that's because I am not getting the quality sleep I need to heal and recover.
I have at least been giving myself Reiki, though at the moment even the Reiki is struggling to cut through the roar of my brain. So, I am not going to say to you 'you have to look after yourself', we all know that. What I will say is, try and find something, even if it is a little thing, just for you. My journal is 'just for me', yes it takes me time to do it, but when I am doing it I find a strange peace. So with that in mind, I am going to go and have a bath, #Alittlethingjustforme